The changes associated with a child growing up and maturing will necessarily mean changes in the way in which the Fourth Commandment is lived out in a practical sense. 

 

Even though some aspects of living the commandment will not disappear as the years march on (like basic respect, for example), other aspects will change considerably. 

 

Take for example, the requirement that a child is obedient to his or her parents (keeping in mind what was mentioned in the last column, that no one must ever obey a parent or authority figure who asks or demands that something harmful or immoral be done). How long must a child “obey” his or her parents? 

 

It is actually a fairly common question and one that can cause no little amount of turmoil as parents and children alike wrestle with the answer — especially as children become adults (at least in age). 

 

The really big question can be phrased this way: Must an adult child continue to be obedient to his or her parents? It depends ... . 

 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church offers two important sentences which offer clarification. In paragraph 2217 we read that, “As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family.” 

 

A few lines later we read, “Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children  .. .” 

 

Using the term “emancipation” may have interesting connotations, but the answer is clear enough. A child, even an adult child, owes a certain obedience to his or her parents so long as they live in the same home. In other words, parents do get to set the rules. And a child is bound to honor them if they choose to live in the same house. 

 

This might include things like making basic contributions to the home and respecting rules for appropriate behavior (yes, even going to church on Sundays). 

 

An analogy might help clarify it further. If a young adult rented an apartment, he or she would be subject to the rules of the landlord and would be expected to make contributions (at least in the form of rent). The same things can reasonably be expected by adult children who live in their parents’ house. Additionally, the fact that there are family ties involved will bind that child in ways perhaps not present with an unrelated landlord. 

 

That being said, parents must also realize that as their child becomes an adult, they do deserve to be treated as one and therefore are owed a certain amount of respect and freedom commensurate with their own growth in maturity. This should be taken into account when setting the rules and boundaries which exist. 

 

Treating an adult child as a “child” will probably only result in added turmoil and is not in keeping with a Catholic understanding of the Fourth Commandment. However, once that child moves out, he or she is no longer bound to be obedient to their parents in the same way. 

 

Naturally, there can be a complete reversal of these roles in some instances. For example, when a parent ends up staying with a child. Who sets the rules then? 

 

The answer should be no surprise. While both parent and child owe each other basic respect, the parent should also honor the child’s authority in their own house. The fact that the parent is the parent does not mean they have the privilege of assuming authority when staying with their child. The child has both the duty and the right to establish the boundaries and expectations in their own home, even if they differ from what the parent may have done or would prefer. 

 

Although it can be somewhat of a cliché, when striving to live the Fourth Commandment, the old adage, “my house, my rules” can actually be rather apropos.