Feeling a sense of guilt over someone else’s action is a relatively common experience, especially if we have some influence or authority over another — such as in a parent-child relationship. Parents may feel responsible for their child’s poor choice. Accepting the exercise of free will in another person can be particularly difficult when we love them and wish they would’ve avoided a sinful choice.

Feeling a sense of sadness or disappointment would be natural, but accepting a sense of guilt — as though somone else’s choice were our fault — can be a very real source of unhealthy guilt. And yet these feelings can still exist in us.

Looking at a situation closer and through the lens of our faith can help us decipher if there is any degree of responsibility on our part. Recognizing that we are not responsible for someone else’s choice can be a very important first step in letting go of any unhealthy guilt that may have crept in.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church makes it clear that in order for us to share in the guilt of another person’s sinful choice, we would need to have “cooperated” with that choice in some way (CCC 1868). Further, it specifies the ways in which we might so cooperate:

â–º participating directly or voluntarily in it;

â–º ordering, advising, praising or approving of a sinful act;

â–º not hindering an evil act when we have the legitimate opportunity to do so; or

â–º by offering protection for someone carrying out an evil act.

In each of these cases there is some level of participation that allows the act to happen or at least shows implicit support for it. If we have been involved in such a way, then feeling a sense of guilt would be appropriate. But if we haven’t been involved in any of these ways, then a sense of guilt is misplaced.

We can ask ourselves some basic questions along these lines.

â–º Did I approve of the sinful act?

â–º Did I encourage it?

â–º Did I make it possible? Or did I try to do just the opposite?

â–º Did I discourage it?

â–º Did I advise against it?

â–º Did I give good example?

â–º Did I do what I felt I was able to do at the time to prevent it (if I could do anything)?

It’s important to recognize that despite our best efforts, at the end of the day the other person still has free will and may simply choose poorly.

Here again, we must be careful to avoid confusing bad feelings because of a particular outcome with something that we’ve done wrong.

Nevertheless, we still might begin second guessing ourselves and come up with all sorts of ideas of things we could’ve said or done instead. But this can be a dangerous road to travel because it almost implies that we have the power to effect a certain outcome for someone else. We cannot do that.

And we cannot go back and try those other things to see if they would’ve had any effect.

Our moral analysis of ourselves must involve the circumstance we actually faced with the resources we had at the time, not speculation on things we’ve thought of since.

While it is certainly a good and healthy thing to review our counsel or our actions at the time, so as possibly to learn from the experience and grow, it is not a healthy thing to accumulate guilt over alternatives derived after the fact.

Learning to do this can be extremely challenging, but taking a step back and looking at things this way can be that important first step.

Some of the wisest words I’ve encountered in this regard came from a mother who once said: “I raised wonderful kids. But the adults they are today are the result of their own choices.”

That sounds like a healthy perspective which can be a great defense against unhealthy guilt.