I’ve been reflecting a lot on marriage lately. It started this summer with my oldest daughter celebrating 10 years of marriage. When that date rolled around we did a lot of reminiscing and thanks to uploads to social media, there is no end of photographic reminders of days gone by.

 

More recently, my husband and I marked our 44th anniversary. We didn’t have much time to celebrate because we were preparing for my youngest child’s wedding day just two days after our own milestone. But again, we did have time to think about all the days that have passed since we said our “I dos” and all the events that have shaped the years. 

 

One thing we always think about is our Engaged Encounter weekend. The weekend was a gift from my mother-in-law. Even though we weren’t too excited at the time, we chose a weekend and signed up. We still laugh about the fact that we had to stop at a local retail store to pickup up our snack contribution and frantically run through the store to find swim trunks, a difficult task in the fall. Since our engaged encounter was from Friday to Sunday and was being held in a hotel with a pool we wanted to be prepared. Needless to say we were a tad late arriving for the retreat because of our fool’s errand but the memory still provides us with laughter and a lesson even though we didn’t realize the lesson at the time. The lesson was not to waste precious time on things that weren’t important and didn’t contribute to the big picture. And believe me, we learned that lesson more than several times since that weekend.

And no, we didn’t swim that weekend!

 

Even though we weren’t as appreciative as we could have been, the Engaged Encounter experience ended up being one of our greatest gifts and best preparation. We found out things about ourselves and each other thanks to the questions asked and topics covered. We had great couples leading the retreat as I recall, and we were able to ask any and many questions about all aspects of married Catholic life. We still have our notebooks from that weekend, and we flip through them every 10 years or so. And I think that’s why we tend to have the attitude we do these four decades and-then-some later. 

 

We really don’t think marriage is hard. My husband and I sometimes get a little amazed when people preface their advice to couples with “You know marriage is hard, but …”

 

I always wonder what they find so difficult about it? We definitely like and love each other. And of course there are many times when we annoy each other. But it isn’t that difficult to focus on the good stuff rather than the hairs in the sink, the bowl left on the table instead of in the sink or the fact that I pull my car too far into the garage and absolutely without fail have to watch the British Baking Show.

 

I would never tell young people that marriage is hard. What I would say is that there are many decisions to make and some must be made over and over. Some decisions are minor, and some can be life altering. Decisions like where will we go on vacation, do we want more children, do we take the new job, do we move to a new home, do we swallow our pride and say I’m sorry or please forgive me?

If you love and respect your spouse and listen and lean on them, it will only be the decisions that are hard and not the relationship, not the love.

 

As part of something my new daughter-in-law was preparing as a gift for my son, she asked me to choose one quality I thought was key to a successful relationship. And because of my reflections above I said I thought it was consideration. I advised to always consider your partner in all things large and small and remember that marriage is always more about ‘we’ than me. 

 

Happy marriage John and Emily and to all those preparing to join in what God brings together.